Trust Me: Moving Trust from a Catchphrase to Action

0:03
Hi, everyone, and welcome to today’s webinar, Trust Me – Moving Trust From Catchphrase To Action, Hosted by HRDQ-U, and presented by Sarah Ciavarri. My name is also Sarah, and I will moderate today’s webinar.
0:18
The webinar will last around one hour. If you have any questions or comments, please type them into the questions box on your GoToWebinar control panel. We’ll answer as many questions as we have time for today. And also make sure that you download your handout as well. You can locate that under the handouts drop-down on your GoToWebinar control panel.
0:39
And today’s webinar is sponsored by Level Up Leadership and HRDQstore. Level Up Leadership, is dedicated to supporting leaders to excel professionally, and craft a life they love. As a certified Dare to Lead(TM) facilitator trained in all of Dr. Brené Brown’s research and is an Executive Leadership coach, founder Sarah Ciavarri brings tremendous tools to help teams, groups, and individuals get un-stuck with increased clarity and focus. You can learn more at SarahCiavarri.com. And for 45 years, HRDQ has provided researc-based, off-the-shelf soft skills training resources for classroom, virtual, and online training. From assessments and workshops to experiential hands-on games, HRDQ helps organizations improve performance, increase job satisfaction and more. You can learn more at HRDQstore.com.
1:29
And now I’d like to welcome our presenter today, Sarah Ciavarri founder of Level Up Leadership. Sarah loves seeing leaders get excited about their lives and futures. As a certified Dare to Lead(TM) facilitator trained in all of Dr. Brené Brown’s research, and a professional Certified Coach through the International Coaching Federation, Sarah is always seeking new adventures in helping leaders craft a life they love.
1:53
For 10 years, Sarah has traveled nationally, keynoting and facilitating workshops on resilience, vulnerability, and authenticity, and is a Chief Core Guide DiSC motivator and EQ team trainer. Sarah is the author of, Find Our Way to Truth: Seven Lies Leaders Believe and How to Let Them Go. And she got her “abrave”, which is afraid and brave at the exact same time, this summer when she sang the national anthem at a nationally televised Twins game! Thank you so much for joining us today, Sarah.
2:27
Thank you. Excuse me. Thank you, Sarah. It is great to be here and to be talking about a topic, um, that is really important. Not just to me personally, but to every single person on the planet. Because when we talk about trust, it’s what holds us together as a community. It’s what holds us together as families. It’s what holds us together as an organization that has the mission and the vision front and center, and it allows us to live into that. So we’re going to dig in today.
3:04
I think of this time together as like a toe dip, because understanding trust and learning how to build trust, is a lifelong pursuit.
3:14
It’s a lifelong endeavor, so you bring things to the conversation that come from your own lived experience as a leader, Your own experience as a friend, a family member, And so we’ll, we’ll name some things that intuitively, you know already. And we want to expand out our thinking. So hopefully, we’ll be naming things that are kind of on the periphery. And we’ll link together some of those understandings.
3:44
So at the end of our time together, you’ll leave with some additional understanding and greater capacity for you to lean into trust as a foundational building block for crafting a life you love, and to really show up in ways that serve other people, and also fulfill your own sense of what does a good life look like?
4:08
Lived for you, OK? So here are our objectives: we want to understand the importance of trust at work.
4:17
It’s not just a catchphrase.
4:19
It is an action, so to do that, we have to define trust. What are we actually talking about?
4:26
Then we’re going to identify trust building behaviors in yourself and others.
4:32
So let’s break it down. Let’s get more specific. What are we actually talking about? Can we actually see this in relationships?
4:41
We’re going to take a quick look at some neurobiology and its role in how trust is built and maintained.
4:50
We’re going to explore how to increase trust, well, problem solving and then finally, we are going to learn the power of pause, curiosity, and perspective intrust development.
5:04
So, we have a lot of ground to cover in under 60 minutes, and I’m not going to be talking faster at the end of this than I am now, so we’re gonna get to it, So we can cover all of that ground.
5:19
Bottom line, why do we need more trust at work?
5:22
Um, well, it’s all of the things listed here.
5:26
Trust enables creativity on teams, team engagement, innovation, when facing dilemmas and dilemmas, as I defined them, are different than problems. And dilemmas are the things where there is no easy answer.
5:41
Right?
5:41
It’s, it’s the issue that you, you sit in, whether you’re in healthcare, and it’s staffing, or you’re in healthcare, and you’re trying to figure out wages, and you’re in a reimbursement system that caps. You know what your reimbursement is going to be. So how do you be competitive in the marketplace? Those are dilemmas.
6:05
So, there aren’t any easy answers.
6:09
It’s like we have to get super creative and innovative and think in ways we haven’t ever thought of putting together really diverse perspectives. Diverse ways of understanding things to find the solution.
6:22
Trust gives us stronger connections. And that drives retention. It increases job satisfaction, and it empowers employees. So when we think about quiet quitting, which is one of those big things, you know, that’s so hot right now, quiet. Quitting.
6:40
one of the foundational elements that we’re exploring when we talk about quiet quitting is the contract between employee and employer.
6:49
And what’s at the base of that is, you know, trust is a big, foundational piece of that. Do I trust the employer has my best interests at heart and conversely, do I trust, do I believe this employee is engaged in the work?
7:07
So we’re gonna keep digging into those.
7:10
This brings us to the state of work right now.
7:13
So the pandemic has moved to an endemic, um, meaning we have pervasive social dynamics that come out of the pandemic.
7:25
Some of those were present before the pandemic happened. And the hidden dynamic accelerated. those, exacerbated those. What had been a horizon issue has now become a right now issue.
7:39
So for example, think about mental health, um, in America, we were struggling, you know, with mental health before the pandemic. But what we see now is behavioral changes in how people engage in their life.
7:52
So those behavioral changes are isolation, and that can quickly lead to depression.
8:01
There’s a phrase I just learned the other day, which is Couche rot, which coming out of a healthcare background, I readily think of bedsores, you know, like these open wounds that are so hard to heal. I, I just thought, maybe some of you are eating lunch, so I won’t go really deep into that, right, because I can get pretty graphic.
8:26
Cow trot is like it is defining the choice we make of No, I’m not gonna go out.
8:33
I’m just gonna hang out in my apartment.
8:36
I’m just going to be at home and that that is a dynamic. We see that’s coming out of the pandemic.
8:44
OK, the other pieces we have here are Highbred, remote work returned to office dynamics.
8:52
We’re navigating new territory and A lot of that has to do with trust.
8:58
You know, What are the assumptions that are being made? Is there an unspoken assumption that if you’re not in the office, we don’t think you’re working.
9:08
And if I am working remotely, you know, I’ve heard many people say who work remotely, I wonder what I’m missing out on by not being in the office if other folks on the team are and how is that going to impact my ability for advancement? Is there a bias towards being physically present?
9:33
So, we have more jobs than workers.
9:37
And now, we’ve moved into perma Crisis.
9:40
So our brains, we’re wired for acute crisis.
9:45
We figure out what the danger is. We get through it. That’s where we have fight, flight, or freeze.
9:51
And then we we go back to this state of like, uh, more rest, returning, hanging out to homeostasis.
10:02
Well, we now are in permanent crisis and it increases our stress.
10:08
It’s marked by volatility, uncertainty and no, where is the return to normal? There is no going back to normal. We can certainly take things from the past. We do that, of course. But at this point, this inflection point, we are creating the new path.
10:28
There is social and political division.
10:31
There’s a virtue signaling No, of letting letting people know, this is this is what I believe, or this is where I am and sometimes that can feel inauthentic, then there’s grief, ambiguous and disenfranchised grief are some types of grief that we don’t really talk about.
10:57
So, ambiguous graeff’s, loss of dreams, ambiguous graeff shows up when you thought you were going to have a high school graduation in person, and it happened online.
11:13
Ambiguous grief is when you thought your life was going to look a certain way, and it doesn’t.
11:21
You, it’s it’s marked by a sense of belonging, and then, disenfranchised grief is the grief that we don’t feel like we get to have.
11:30
Um, so, disenfranchised grief could be: if somebody, no hazard was divorced, and then their ex spouse dies.
11:45
Does that person get to grieve? You know, everybody has a different experience with that.
11:51
We can also put disenfranchised grief on ourself.
11:54
When we compare when we say Well I shouldn’t greve that I didn’t get to go to my family reunion during the pandemic because other people had it so much worse.
12:07
Well, other people were absolutely struggling.
12:10
Absolutely and it doesn’t benefit other people when we less than what our reality is.
12:20
Because there’s enough in the When we have enough trust, there’s enough compassion for everybody.
12:30
Which brings us to the next point that is so crucial, we want real people.
12:36
No, I want to work with people who are real, authentic, vulnerable, who do not show up and claim to have all the answers.
12:47
When they don’t, who are willing to say, I don’t know. But we’re gonna figure this out and also, conversely, people who will own their power or own their strength.
12:59
So, some of us kept ourselves safe or, um, no, yes, safe in our careers by not bringing our best ideas or not putting ourselves out there because we didn’t want to ruffle feathers or we didn’t want to, you know, cause other people to be uncomfortable.
13:22
But I think the call right now in organizational leadership is, We all need to be bringing the very best we have, whether that’s questions’ Insights, out of the box thinking.
13:36
We want a real connection.
13:38
And the message it sends when we think about trust, is, you matter. You matter here, you matter to me. Um, I am glad you’re here.
13:49
Real authentic. people send the message when we sense that. I trust you.
13:55
You aren’t smoking mirrors like, what you’re giving me is true.
14:00
It’s not.
14:01
It’s not affront, there’s like, Realness to who you are.
14:07
And I can trust that, in a world where so much can be Photoshop and, you know, edited and curated, there’s a real sense of freedom when we are in that space of authenticity with other people.
14:22
And the thing is, like, if that is new for us, if we’ve worked in environments where we weren’t allowed to really be as open and transparent, it might feel really like vulnerable.
14:35
So, it’s OK to try some new practices on, then, check in with yourself, and see how they feel, OK?
14:42
Real authentic responses, If you don’t know, say, you don’t know. And the message that says is, We don’t make stuff up.
14:51
We shall lacking, or Veneering, or painting over our responses. Like, this is what we know right now.
14:58
When we know different things, we will share that new information.
15:03
And that’s a real, authentic response.
15:07
So, how to define trust?
15:11
What actually are we talking about?
15:13
So for the fruit, for the poll, I want you to think about for you who is the exemplar of trustworthiness in the work context.
15:24
So we give you some options here.
15:27
A direct report, a boss, a team member from within your vertical contractor.
15:33
1099, employ, a VP, or a C suite leader, for you, who is the exemplar of trust, worthiness, at work, so select all that apply.
15:49
And we have the poll open here, I see responses, streaming, and we’ll give you some time here to submit your votes.
15:59
And, again, as Sarah said, you select all that apply to you.
16:05
And we’ll give you 15 more seconds here to answer if you have not done so.
16:11
Awesome.
16:17
Alright. Great. Let’s get those results up on the screen now, and you see those on your side, Sarah?
16:25
Aye.
16:26
I don’t, So we have 41% saying a direct reports, 41% saying a boss, 79% are saying a team member from within their local vertical or from within their vertical. And 15% saying a contractor and 30% said a VP or a C suite leader.
16:50
OK, I do see it now, Thank you, Sarah.
16:52
Yeah, I got it, OK, Really interesting.
16:59
A team member from within your vertical has the highest, OK.
17:02
Well, let’s take that and add in the next piece, Um, so, people who are people within your organization, now we’re going to flip it, that you struggle to trust.
17:19
No.
17:22
This is comprehensive.
17:25
Who are people that you struggle to trust?
17:30
Select all that apply.
17:36
And, again, we’ll give you some time here to answer. I see those results streaming in much faster, this time, so some less and less time to think on this one, it seems.
17:51
There we go, We’ll give you 15 more seconds here, and then we’ll get the results up on the screen for you, too, to view.
18:02
This is so interesting, OK, so, what we have, 23% a direct report, 62% a boss, 40% a team?
18:15
Member from within your vertical, 30% a contractor, and 59%, a VP or C suite leader.
18:24
So, snapshot in time, we asked you to do these two polls because they start framing for us, like, What trust looks like and feels like when we can think of a specific person, and, conversely, when we know trust is weak, we also want to be thinking about what is that situation, and when is it, the when is it the setup of how the organization is structured, right? What, what culture is set up for trust to grow or to wither.
19:04
So that brings us to the next point. And you know, they’re, let me just say there can be any number of reasons what to, what brought these scores here.
19:14
So, a direct report, you know, you may feel like there’s more going on than what they’re sharing with me or with a boss, maybe they weren’t very well gifted with giving constructive feedback so you know, that also can impact trust.
19:31
By definition, we have a few options here.
19:34
Charles Feltman, in the thin book of trust and essential primmer for building trust at work, defines trust as Choosing to risk, making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.
19:50
It’s such a powerful definition.
19:53
Choosing to risk, something you value, making that vulnerable to somebody else’s decision.
20:01
You know, you work on a project, and you put your heart into it.
20:06
You pour a lot of time into it, like you want some feedback that resonates.
20:13
You know, there’s a sense of like vulnerability of like risk, any emotional exposure, and sharing that. And then he goes on to say, OK, if that’s trust, what does distrust look like or the space where we aren’t feeling held are heard?
20:29
And it’s an assessment of what’s an assessment of what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation or then you know, globally or expansively in any situation.
20:44
Because, that’s how our mind works, we want to take one example, and say, Wait a minute, in what else?
20:52
Where else, is this, also true?
20:54
It’s confirmation bias, and so, that can, that can negatively impact how we understand trust with somebody, because we can then start thinking, yes, it’s happening over there. And, yes, it’s over here, too. I knew they were unreliable. So, we want to be aware of when we are looking for confirmation bias about our assessment, of somebody else’s behavior.
21:18
We’re gonna get into that a little more deeply. So then, …
21:21
Brown dug into this a wee bit more, and she expanded on his work, she came up with this braving acronym.
21:30
So trust is built with boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault, integrity, and non judgement.
21:39
It comes up with this acronym breathing and Vault is really confidentiality. So, what I share with you, does it stay with you and the, The great thing to know is trust these attributes of trust. We can see them.
21:56
They’re teachable and they’re behavioral.
22:00
So, if I have an issue and generosity should be on there, I don’t know, don’t know why, it didn’t show up but easy enough.
22:11
Just imagine, there’s a G at the end, generosity, and, um, I’m just imagining, I hope you’re all giving me generosity because I’m missing the G.
22:24
We can have very specific conversations about these different pieces than like, we’ve got an issue around reliability. That’s the driver.
22:34
That’s the thing that’s missing.
22:40
Stephen, M R Covey, Intrust and inspire his book, How Truly Great Leaders, Unleash Greatness In Others, fills it out a little bit differently, but the same concepts, which are the key components of trust. Whoops.
22:57
Sorry about this.
23:00
Key components of trust are clarifying expectations, practicing accountability, and growing people. We invest in people. We own. what is ours to clean up, and we are very clear about expectations.
23:16
So, let’s take this from like concepts into sum stories, and some pragmatic ways of understanding this.
23:25
I, I live on a hobby farm. I have animals, and I learn a lot about leadership from animals and it’s amazing.
23:35
So, horses are social animals, their herd animals, that’s where they feel safe they feel safest with other courses because that’s where they’re the least vulnerable to being hurt by a predator.
23:52
When you introduce a new horse to your herd, you have to do it slowly over time.
24:01
It’s not gonna go well if you just throw a new horse into your herd. So, what we have in this picture, is a new horse, It’s the wrong, so the one that’s not solid color. He was new to our herd of horses a few weeks ago. And so, you start out by having a fence between them.
24:22
So, they’re safe.
24:25
From each other’s behavior of establishing who’s in charge, am I in charge, are you in charge like what’s our dynamic?
24:32
Uh, and so they can still see each other, smell each other. Uh, no.
24:38
We’ll go nose to nose over the fence, but you will see that our horse here on the left, is very large. He is 18.1 at his wither, which is the shoulder. So, he is a pitcher on.
24:52
And he’s massive, like, at his shoulder, he’s about 6, 61 And then he just goes up from there. Well, he can pocket pretty good wallop with his leg, right?
25:05
And so, we have to have boundaries to keep them safe and to um, help them sort out how they’re gonna work together at their own time.
25:18
So they know that the whole story good fences make good neighbors plays out.
25:26
Also in leadership.
25:30
What behaviors are most important to you for you to trust someone? So we had to give our horses some good boundaries. So, think of, no, these as what are good boundaries for you to trust someone.
25:46
Um, so, one is the most important behavior. two is the second most important, et cetera.
25:53
So, a leader’s own integrity they consistently have clear, timely communication, they advocate for you.
26:04
They provide timely and constructive feedback. You know they have your best interests in mind, and they listen to your ideas or concerns with an open, minded, supportive approach.
26:24
So, if you want to type into the Questions box here, which, you know, in the order that you find being the most to the least important behavior, You can type that in the letters in there: A B, C, D, and E And we’ll give you a second to do that and see what responses that we have.
26:52
We have see coming through as being the most important sum, D: Oh, let’s see.
27:00
Oh, it looks like there’s a tie between C and A being the most important for, for people and, and the box here, and B, looks like it’s the winner for coming in at the, you know, being the least important there, OK, OK.
27:20
Yeah, having people advocate for us, I mean, that’s huge. No.
27:27
It’s, it’s mentoring, It’s financially advantageous, we have people who advocate for us. It’s going to advance our work, it will advance our career.
27:37
And it also sends the message, I believe, like I’m not competing with you.
27:44
We are running this race together, or, I want you to succeed.
27:51
Right?
27:51
And I think that’s grounded in our own Integrity Bien.
27:56
I want to bring out the best in other people.
27:59
I also want to bring out the best in myself.
28:01
And if I’m not advocating for somebody else, I just want to get curious about why I might be doing that, Like, what’s going on inside of myself that?
28:13
I don’t feel like I can do that?
28:16
So there might be some fear, you know, that I just need to dig into.
28:21
Thank you for your responses with that.
28:25
So, just like, we gave our horses a fence, so they can like settle in.
28:32
And just like how you have ways that build trust for you, they advocate for you. A leader has integrity.
28:43
It impacts our brains.
28:45
So, our brain, your brain on trust, and this goes back to Charles feltman’s work.
28:51
There’s a strong correlation between the trust in social interaction and the level of a chemical called oxytocin in the brain.
28:59
So I have a phrase, I like to say, Neurons, that fire together, hartz, wire together, I know it work, we don’t talk a lot about parts.
29:11
But it’s that space of like, connection, we feel good, we feel safe, and that, like releases this oxytocin.
29:23
And we feel good and we do good work. We have a little bit more energy. So when oxytocin levels rise, so does a greater willingness to accept risks in interpersonal interactions.
29:36
So just think about times you’ve had at work in leadership, where you felt there was synergy.
29:45
You were having a moment where oxytocin levels were rising together, so we’re wired for this stuff, bottom, line. We’re wired for this stuff.
29:56
Well, at this up until this point, we’ve been talking about trust, as you know, between people.
30:03
Now, let’s expand it and deepen it. So there’s organizational trust. How does the organization show up in the world?
30:10
Is the organization true to what it says?
30:13
It’s about, OK? And then how much do I trust the organization if I’m within it?
30:21
You know, how have I seen the organization treat, downsizing, treat merger’s? Treat, navigating unknown situations. How are decisions made?
30:33
All of these things play into organizational trust.
30:38
Trust within a team.
30:40
So, every organization, when you have a large organization, of course, they’re individual teams.
30:46
Each one has its own unique culture, and that is going to impact trust.
30:53
You get trust between individuals, and now getting the light coming down to the individual. We all have self trust.
31:05
We might not think about that a lot or ever, but the question is, how trustworthy am I with myself?
31:14
So am I reliable with myself when I make a mistake when I fail? When things don’t go my way?
31:22
when I procrastinate, What does myself trust and my kind and generous with how I understand that in myself talk? Like I would with somebody who reports to me.
31:34
Um, know, if I’m talking with a friend, do I treat my friend with much more kindness than I treat myself in those moments?
31:43
If you are nodding yourself, saying, yeah, that is what goes on for me, I get it, totally get it, and it might be a time to explore self, trust, no, treating yourself like you would treat somebody, you’ve loved, knowing you can count on yourself.
32:05
And for a lot of us, we were raised in environments or came up through work in environments where we didn’t believe it was OK to be kind to ourselves because that would somehow mean we were slacking off or not doing the job, or not, you know, achieving our full potential. But actually, there’s a whole lot of research coming out on self compassion that shows the inverse is true.
32:29
When we’re kinder to ourselves, we actually achieve our goals more readily than when we beat ourselves up every day all day, because we are human beings but that we’re all imperfect.
32:42
We’re all gonna, no miss a day of the workout, were we’re all going to have cheat days on the diet. Like, that’s just part of being human.
32:50
And when they’re self compassion, we acknowledge that, OK, So now, let’s go back out to on a team.
32:59
one of the biggest challenges to trust on a team is, how do we solve problems? Or how do we actually get into solving the deeper problems together?
33:10
What …
33:11
Brown gives us is a framework, simply a framework.
33:16
So if you’ve ever worked with a coach, a good coach who’s on their game with you in the moment, will be walking you through similar questions. And what these give us is a wider frame of view.
33:33
They expand out our thinking, because when we’re stressed, our vision can get really narrow and focused in on what is the immediate task I need to do? What do I need to do?
33:46
Whereas the context around us may have changed, it may have shifted, and well, we were so focused in, we no. Maybe are missing what’s going on out here.
33:56
So you can read more about these in her book, Dear to Lead, but let me give you just a few additional thoughts, so color, at the end of the day, at the end of this project, what do we want it to look like?
34:12
So let’s say we’re doing a rebranding rebranding, at the end of the day, what does the rebrand look like?
34:23
OK, so, um, how will I know the rebrand happens?
34:30
Um, is it done when we have a new logo isn’t done when we’ve changed all of the signs for all of our different entities. Is it done when we have changed the name of all of our subsidiaries, like when do we know we’ve completed the task?
34:50
then context is, um, it’s really about humility.
34:55
I don’t understand everything else that’s going on, I don’t know everything else in the organization, or even on my team, and we don’t need to know at all. Like, that’s where humility comes in.
35:07
Other people know other things, I don’t need to know at all, and that’s OK.
35:11
That actually builds trust, when I don’t put on myself that I need to know at all, Because then when If, I feel like I need to know at all, like, how can I actually know it all?
35:24
And it will probably drive me to not ask the questions I should be asking, because I’ll think, I should already know that.
35:34
Did I miss it? Was it in an e-mail? Oh, my gosh, it’s fair to my e-mail. I never keep up with my e-mail, right?
35:39
Then our brains can just spin and like they were losing track of the thread line. So, what is happening in other areas of the organization that will impact this decision?
35:52
Connective tissue, the next one.
35:56
How does this plan strategy idea amplify or connect to other things that are going on?
36:05
So if I have a rebranding going on, and I know over here that this vertical is working on, um, property management, and there’s new property, You know, there’s renovations that need to happen.
36:20
I need to know that because this is an opportune time to really do that rebranding work with our color scheme across the building, Right. If we run a whole bunch of apartment buildings or we run a whole bunch of different, let’s say, healthcare facilities.
36:36
Um, how does what I’m doing lay the groundwork for what other people are going to do?
36:42
Cost: You can think of it as cost or investment.
36:46
But some of the questions you want to be asking here is: is the cost or investment tolerable?
36:55
Is this expected and are we talking about is the person like, are we set up for success?
37:05
Can we tolerate the cost that’s coming?
37:08
Is it controversial?
37:10
What are we gonna, um, no, what are we going to lose?
37:14
Is that loss anticipated?
37:18
Are we going to be able to move forward, like just because we lose something, doesn’t mean it’s a reason to not move forward? But we want to have a context for that, because that’s when it happens.
37:29
We can say, Yep, we anticipated that, and this is how we’re going to address it.
37:34
And then finally, consequence.
37:36
What is at stake if we do this?
37:38
What is at stake if we don’t do this?
37:43
What happens if we get it wrong, No wrong, could be wrong timing, wrong, could be wrong market.
37:49
We just want to have thought through all of these different components. And working through a framework like that, allows us to do it.
37:59
And to depersonalize the problem solving efforts in a sense that, um, we’re work in a process. So, that’s why we’re asking these questions.
38:09
If we have challenges on the team, where people, you know, we feel like, oh, um, there has been trust broken because we feel like people have attacked us. Or there’s a breakdown of communication.
38:23
You want a framework. So, you can use the framework to host the conversation.
38:32
Which brings us to how to increase trust at work on teams, and between people.
38:37
Clear communication.
38:39
If I say, I need you to do this project, and I never tell you when it’s what I need it done, and never tell you what a good result is going to look like, that is going to cause some problems.
38:52
If I assume like simple, simple, I’ll just give you the simplest example I can think of.
38:58
Our youngest son has the job of emptying the dishwasher. And here he’s 14. Now, he’s great human being.
39:07
I would say, hey, I need you to and I need you to unload the dishwasher and I thought I was being kind and respectful by giving him like, autonomy to decide when he would do that works in your life. Sometime today, you get it done. He gave me the feedback that that was not helpful for him. What he needs me to say is, Jacob, I need you to unload the dishwasher.
39:32
Now, he needed the now.
39:35
So, that, given the now for him, was respect, so now I say, Hey, Jacob, I need you to unload the dishwasher now, works so much better. Bring your best intentions to meetings, Assume positive regard.
39:51
Problem solved with a framework, which we just talked about.
39:54
Practice setting and honoring clear boundaries. Go back to the horse picture. But, really, get deeper about that, what are our team’s norms?
40:05
Get granular about e-mails, about Slack.
40:09
How quickly is, is our cultural norm here?
40:14
Is it OK to not respond to e-mails after six o’clock at night?
40:21
And, you know, with remote work and people working in ways that work for their life, I might respond to e-mails at 10 30 at night, because are families still rocking and rolling? For example, but if you’re a person who responds to e-mail at six in the morning, because that’s your best time, or that’s when Europe.
40:42
There needs to be permission for both people to do, there.
40:46
Best rythm, without comparing that.
40:50
If you responded at 10 30 at night, I need to respond right back at 10 45.
40:56
Whereas, you know, if you’re the person responding at six in the morning, you’re probably not going to be responding at 10 45 at night.
41:02
So you just want to have the conversation around that.
41:08
And they have some vulnerability, like a little bit of openness to build the trust of.
41:13
So, I’m doing it this way because this works best for what I’ve got going on. Um, another big one is our paths to advancement clear.
41:22
How do I move forward in my career, and do you have people within your organization who value that for you, too, and will help you do it.
41:33
Uh, in terms of our own presence, we want to be curious, we want to not jump to conclusions.
41:42
Not, if we find ourselves in judgement, to like catch it, I’m in judgement.
41:47
I know I’m in judgement, because I’m thinking, I work harder than everybody else and everybody else is like, Oh, I am and judgement, or I could do it better than that, right?
41:56
OK, gonna step back, and I wonder what’s going on? For me, the key there is, for me.
42:03
Develop person centered relationships to drive community.
42:08
People want to know, they matter in a genuine way, Like, remember people’s story. Remember, where were you, in the last conversation you had about.
42:21
Know, their ultimate frisbee League. and then pick the conversation back up there.
42:26
Um, we want to have cultures where people can say, people would miss me if I wasn’t here.
42:35
Because that’s authentic connection.
42:40
Bring your best intentions OK, let’s dig a little bit more into how do we do this?
42:46
This is the power of what happens here.
42:51
There is a stimulus. Someone says something or greatest example ever. Is, you get a letter in the mail from the IRS, and your first thought is, oh, no, I’m getting audited like, so scared.
43:05
That’s the stimulus, that’s the response. Like, the letter comes, I freak out.
43:10
But, in the middle of that, is us space, and that space allows us to do this.
43:16
We want to hit pause, because your power lies in the past.
43:22
The deeper understanding, is just on the other side of the paws.
43:26
The greater clarity is just on the other side of the pods.
43:30
And a pause takes a nanosecond.
43:33
It’s not going to break no, any system, you just need to take the pots.
43:40
So Victor Frankl, an amazing thinker.
43:44
Says, between stimulus response, there is a space in that space, is our power to choose our response, in our response, lies our growth and our freedom.
43:56
That pause gives us capacity to be curious. what is going on. What else is going on?
44:05
And to illustrate that, I’m going to tell you a story of what you see right here.
44:10
So, drink Ovid, my family and I had the opportunity to caching some frequent flyer miles and we flew from Minnesota to Maui, and we wanted to know absorb Hawaiian culture. So we learned about shaved ice, and first day we were there. We went hiking to an amazing, beautiful waterfall and on the drive back to the hotel, we saw the roadside stand offering shaved ice.
44:40
On the outside, it had all these pictures of the you know delicious treats treats that you could order and I saw the one listed, that said Zookeeper means I said to my spouse, I’m gonna get that because I think that’s like a super food.
44:57
I think as yuki beans are like go G, berries, or …
45:02
seeds I say E beans, berries, berries, us a berries and Tim said no I think their bees, like no they’re there like a really cool kind of a fruit or a superfood.
45:14
He’s like I think their beans that says their beans right now.
45:19
I know, I know, I know. I know what it is.
45:22
So this is what came, N They are bees. They are bees.
45:29
And once I got it I realized, oh, I know why I know the word add Suki It’s because I’ve seen the cans of beans in the ….
45:43
And my learning from that was this is my perspective.
45:49
I want it them to be a super food.
45:53
So I disregarded feedback. That told me, otherwise, I was so convinced I knew what they were based on what I wanted them to be. I was blind to the actual feedback.
46:06
So, um, know, the the beans were who the beans were, they were being then sells.
46:14
It was my perception that no got off, so we want to check that. And it happens not just about like deserts, but it also happens about people. We think, we understand people are we think we understand their perspective.
46:32
But we understand our understanding of it. We all have limitations of what that means. So we want to develop person centered relationships to drive community.
46:45
So what do you see?
46:51
There’s multiple perspectives.
46:54
There’s two women in this picture.
46:57
What do you see?
47:00
What do you see here?
47:04
There’s two animals.
47:07
Maybe there’s more.
47:08
Um, it’s a duck.
47:12
And also a bunny.
47:14
So, we want to understand, my perspective is my perspective.
47:20
And to build trust, Um, we want to move into a place of curiosity.
47:26
So that we understand one another from their perspective.
47:31
So, at the end of the day, trust building is about clear communication.
47:36
For example, who will make the decision and who is responsible for what decisions?
47:42
When an organization can figure this part out and get some great clarity around it, trust increases and so does efficiency.
47:53
When trust increases, employees are happier.
47:56
Turnover decreases teams are more productive.
48:00
The company’s reputation is stronger, and more of the right stuff gets done.
48:05
And this is our big, happy end.
48:09
Life is better when we have greater trust.
48:16
OK, so I am going to turn it over to Sarah now, I think, to field some questions.
48:26
Yes, sir. So we have some time here, if you have any questions, type that into the questions box and John commented that life is better when you have a dog. I agree, yeah.
48:41
John, do you have a dog that runs with its tongue out, like the, like, the one there on the right?
48:49
And John, while you’re pondering on that, when we had a question come through from Connie, who said, how do you develop trust with someone who is hypersonic sensitive and isn’t good at taking feedback?
49:04
Yeah, that’s a, really, it’s a really good question. And I think it’s one, you know, to dig into, over and over again.
49:15
I would want to go to some base conversation, around how can we best work together, no, to have mutual buy in.
49:27
So, how can you develop trust with someone that you’re experiencing is there’s a lot of sensitivity around giving and receiving feedback.
49:39
I wonder if it’s asking something like, no, saying something like, Well, I’ll make sure we do the best work we can together, or You want to say it in language, that’s authentic for you, right?
49:54
So, when things.
49:57
Why don’t we have to dig into something a little more deeply?
50:00
What’s the best way to do that?
50:03
Like, what does that look like for you?
50:04
I have a sense of what that looks like For me, I want to have a conversation, So, um, I’m not missing you.
50:11
So, we can move forward, and, and we have a really good understanding of how to do, how to work together in a way that works for you in a way that works for me.
50:22
And so on. Oh.
50:24
Yeah, I didn’t mean to catch up there, Sarah. Go.
50:26
ahead, you’re, you’re good, you go ahead, Sarah. To build on that, we had a question from …, who would like to know how you can build trust with individuals that display passive aggressive behavior?
50:39
Oh, my gosh, passive aggressive behavior.
50:47
Honestly, that is a whole other webinar.
50:52
I think it comes back.
50:55
two boundaries.
50:56
Um, it can come back to, what or what, what behavior are we going to call out?
51:05
Um, like, oh, aye.
51:10
There are ways to do it.
51:12
Um, and they’re on a continuum from being, um, like, really, really, direct.
51:21
There are also strategies where, you know, there’s a nuance to it.
51:26
It could, it could simply be, um, I don’t understand the comment.
51:33
Help me understand more about what you just said.
51:37
Um, Another strategy, and of course, no, these are high level reflections, not knowing the specifics.
51:47
Another strategy, that is to say.
51:54
Tell me more about what, Tell me more about that because right now the story I’m making up is like X, Y, or Z, So if, if I’m going back, I’m just gonna go back to the dishwasher because it’s super simple.
52:09
Well, um, no, if, if Jacob were to say, um, you don’t ever make, no, you don’t ever make anybody else, do it, I might say, Hey, what’s going on there, Because the story I’m making up, is, you’re angry right now.
52:30
So tell me more about what’s going on.
52:33
I think bottom line is, we want to develop curiosity, and let that be the leader of the conversation, um, but passive aggressive behavior is, it’s certainly damaging 100%, and it builds cultures, where we walk on eggshells.
52:52
Because we just don’t know. What are we getting?
52:55
Is Like, is so and so in a good mood today, are they not like, Well? what’s that going to? What is that going to develop?
53:02
And you could come at the conversation from the point of, um, I do my best work when things are really clear, so I helped me understand they don’t understand that.
53:14
I don’t understand what’s going on In what you just said.
53:18
I need a little bit more here, a little bit more context there and this next question we have from from Robin. who would like to know how do you gain someone’s trust back if you feel like you’ve lost it?
53:31
Hmm, I really appreciate that question.
53:42
So, again, these are high level, first thoughts, outside of context, but I, I think what you just said is kind of your, your answer.
53:53
Ah, no, I feel like, What happened in the past when X, Y, when I said X, Y, or Z?
54:02
Or, I dropped the ball on this project, and I feel like that shifted the dynamic in our relationship. And can we have a conversation about that?
54:13
And then owning your part in it, you know, I didn’t show up the way I wanted to, so what does cleaning that up look like?
54:21
What does a redo look like? I want to own it.
54:26
I want to grow and learn from it, and let’s talk that through.
54:35
And this next question we’ll answer one more question today before we can conclude with our closing statements here is from Ebony who would like to know you know, how did you come about this presentation and what was your inspiration?
54:48
Ah, that’s a really fun question.
54:56
I think it goes back to what I said in the beginning.
54:59
Trust is so foundational in our relationships and in our core to who we are.
55:06
And the greater language and understanding we can have about something that’s so fundamental to what it means to be a human in relationship to other people.
55:15
Can, um, allow us just to be freer and happier.
55:22
And to Unburden, know, some of the stuff that just gets stuck in our minds. The mind, two loops, the, What did they mean? What did I mean? Oh, my gosh.
55:32
Like, I think I’m gonna get fired day because this happened, like, our minds can just take us in all sorts of places that, that take an immense amount of energy, but that may not actually be accurate at all.
55:48
And, again, that’s a whole nother webinar, but, are not every thought we think is true.
55:56
Um, and so, that’s why it’s so paramount to get curious when we’re in a grounded, good spot, like, when we’re calm. That’s where this space of learning happens. That’s why we want to hit pause. So, I love that question. I love that, That’s a great question to close with. And, as we are wrapping up, I’m going to share just a few more slides.
56:18
So, if this resonated for you and you want to go deeper, or you want to dig into more, I would love to continue that conversation with you. So, I mentioned  Brené Brown’s research earlier, and I have a training coming up that I’m offering, and we’ve got the dates here. It starts in September. It is such good learning, so it’s transformative for you, personally, as a leader.
56:43
And when you complete this whole course, you are given materials called the daring rollout Program to take them back to your organization.
56:53
And then you can host the conversation on your team about deepening vulnerability and great leadership within your team. And there is a discount code there. So you get that.
57:06
It written down, jot it down, It’s in the show notes, too. And then you will have a 25% discount on that.
57:15
So, you can register at my website.
57:17
And then, the final thing to share is, I do key noting around topics of trust and leadership, kindness, lies that leaders believe.
57:28
You know, I love the inner, the space between leadership and being a real human being and what’s going on inside of us, and how that plays out over here.
57:36
So, if you are part of an organization, or an association that brings in people too, do presentations or workshops, I would love to have that conversation as well. And I am offering 25% off for any of those events also.
57:57
Oh, great. Thank you so much, Sarah, for sharing a really great, informative session today that the audience seemed to be really attentive to and had some really great questions.
58:08
Thanks, everybody. Just great.
58:11
And today’s webinar was sponsored by Level Up Leadership and HRDQ. Make sure that you check out those amazing deals that they’re offering over at Level Up Leadership.
58:20
Check your inbox, will be following up with some e-mails regarding that, and make sure that you join me for next week’s session, Not Just for Dancing: How to Re-onboard Your Employees Using Tiktok Videos. And check out our new podcast, HRDQ InReview Podcast. I am the host over there.
58:38
It’s been really fun to connect with presenters on a deeper level in a more conversational space over there, so you can check us out wherever you receive all of your podcasts, Spotify, Apple, etcetera. And with that, thank you so much, Sarah, for your time today.
58:57
Thank you, thank you all for attending, and thanks for making this possible.
59:03
Yes, Thank you all for participating in today’s webinar, Happy Training!