I can relate. Most people would say I have a high EQ (emotional quotient) and operate in the top percentile of EI. I have been able to relate and communicate with people at their level or circumstance and connect with them in leadership or support. This skill was partly innate, but it was also honed over two decades of working in the phone-call-based interpersonal environment of the investment markets. The skill of hearing what people aren’t saying when it comes to personal matters, like money, is reflected in the top performers. Most of the time, this is subject to the situation.
Due to my own negative experience of abuse by an authority figure during my formative years, my brain created a protective instinct that was designed to avoid the risk of recurrence of the trauma response induced by such a situation. One strategy I used subconsciously was the avoidance of conflict with any perceived authority. Thus, when presented with disagreement by someone viewed as an expert or leader, I would hold back from any conflict even when I knew their position incorrect. Even when they were acting unethically, I would shy away from confronting them. I can recall one such situation a long time ago, where I was having a heated disagreement with my senior partner, and he was not only incorrect in his assessment of the situation, but he was standing on unethical ground as well. My frustration was intense, and as the temperature of the discussion rose, it led me to storm out of the office. Upon returning at a later time, my choice was to defer to his position against my best judgment and comfort. The decision cost me dearly and hastened my choice to exit from the firm shortly after and walk away from a six-figure debt owed to me.
When such situations arose, they would trigger subconscious neurological patterns that would drive decision-making up on the emotional response to the unconscious internal conflict. When this conscious response to unconscious struggle occurred, the ability to operate effectively, from an EI perspective, became hindered. Without control or awareness, such hardwired patterns or instincts thwart typically emotionally intelligent responses.
Even though leaders can exhibit EI skills at times, we need to be conscious that they might have unconscious primal instincts that override their best intentions.
Much of EI training involves controlling or mastering our emotions and responses. Emotions are used by our conscious minds to trigger a response to environmental stimuli. When we are unaware of the subconscious hardwiring that has occurred in our brains, which have formed instincts that are incongruent with successful positive social interactions, we cannot effectively rely solely on the EI skills we learned.
Thus, for EI training to be most effective, we must investigate the life experiences that may have been involved in creating our subconscious patterns that may limit our EI.
When repetitive, subtle, or obvious threatening situations arise during formative years, specific neural pathways are established to protect us in similar future scenarios. The very nature of these protective mechanisms is designed so we take action before we think or change our minds. This type of hardwiring is extraordinarily effective in threatening or dangerous situations. Alas, most of us live in a typical modern society where our survival is not tested daily, if ever. Thus, our instincts are often incongruent with everyday life.
How do we override those instincts that thwart our success? It isn’t that EI training is wrong; it is just that a large portion of the time, the subject isn’t prepared to maximize the training because their protective subconscious patterns take over when stressed and sabotage their good intentions.
What is needed to truly develop EI in EI training is a formal infrastructure applied to assess, identify, and unwire unhelpful, subconscious patterns, and replace them with new, positive pathways. To begin, this requires an open and common language approach to reducing the stigma around mental wellness and the undeniable and inextricable links of childhood trauma to adult behavior.
Of course, this isn’t something that can be executed without the guidance of qualified experts; however, the first steps are universally important in leadership, as they are in all mental wellness conversations. Initially, we must agree and understand that this brain-based neural connection between negative childhood experiences and instinctive adult behavior exists. The next is normalizing the narrative so former challenges become identified as stigma-free opportunities to grow. Lastly, we need to apply painless, simple, and proven therapeutic techniques to identifying and resolving these trauma-causing experiences to unwire the primitive survival instincts embedded in our psyche and re-wire for healthy, positive, and congruent patterns that position a leader for success.
Join subject matter experts Mike Skrypnek and Ryan Gottfredson as they share important findings and success strategies that will help those who train leaders understand how to help their people with EI training so they can calmly rely on the skills in stressful situations that make them better leaders.
