You Will Not Break Me
I grew up with a dad who had mental health challenges that resulted in unpredictable rage attacks. A couple of times, I got into his crosshairs, and he would get an inch from my face and just scream horrible things about me. I cried, and that made it worse. It seemed like he believed it made him more powerful. Finally, he’d tire of my closing in on myself and walk away.
One day, when I was around six, I had had enough. He pointed at me in fury, exclaiming a bunch of insults, and I stiffened my arms by my side and stood straight as a pillar. I looked at him with disgust, and as he screamed, I recited in my head, “You will not break me! You will not break me!”
It worked! He didn’t get the whimpering he expected and needed, so he walked away. At this time, I set my first mantras, “Never let them see you cry.” “Always be strong.” With these mantras came a physically unyielding posture. It gave me incredible confidence that I could stand up for myself.
Over time, this mantra led to a gift. Because I could never show any emotion, I learned to be super analytical at a very early age. That led to being seen as cool-headed, and I was given leadership roles like being a crossing guard in 5th grade. This reinforced my self-confidence and my mantra.
Anytime anything got emotional, I flipped to logic and problem-solving. Seems like a good subconscious mantra to have – until it wasn’t.
When I was in my first leadership position, my team and peers complained about me to the head of employee relations. This complaint made it to the head of our agency, whom I worked with closely as his speech writer. He called me to his office and calmly said, “Carlann, I don’t see you this way, but others see you as unfriendly. You need to figure out how to change that perception.”
For brevity, I will spare you the shock and dismay, the internal argument of defensiveness (one doesn’t dare say anything but “Thank you for the feedback” to the CEO), the mental searching for the root cause, and the eventual acceptance of the feedback. Of course, I was unfriendly. How could I not be?
That same mantra that helped me build self-confidence, saved me from an early life threat, and brought me the gift of calm, analytical thinking, also shut down my emotional side. I was ill-equipped to connect with people emotionally, to show concern, to show excitement for a job well done, and to enthusiastically rally the team to action.
I was overly task and results focused, and yes, I was unfriendly. This knowledge made me question my value; it shook my confidence. My survival mantra had become my self-confidence killer. But I was completely unaware of the source of this lack of self-awareness. It would take me decades to unravel this awareness, and it would come from coaching successful leaders who hit a self-confidence roadblock.
You Will Hear Me
The second example is Alex, a bright, kind leader who was considered high-potential but needed to fix some behaviors that were hurting his reputation and undermining his self-confidence.
Alex had loving parents, and his home life was supportive. As a child, Alex was very shy and hated being singled out. He preferred to stay in the background. One day in elementary school, his class was preparing to perform a play. The teacher put the various roles on slips of paper, folded them, and placed them in a hat for the students to randomly draw their part in the play.
As the hat was passed around, Alex prayed that he would get a part in the chorus or be a prop like a tree or rock. When it was his turn, he reached into the hat and selected a piece of paper. As he opened it, he let out a sigh. He was in the chorus. Then one of the children said, “This isn’t fair. Some of the papers have become unfolded, and you can see the roles.”
The teacher agreed to gather up all the papers, refold them, and hold the hat up high where the children couldn’t see them as they selected their role. This time, Alex selected the lead role. He immediately became anxious and said, “I don’t want it! I don’t want it!” The process continued and ended. He pleaded to his teacher again, but she told him, “I’m sure you will be great at it.”
He ran into the bathroom to cry. When he got home, he told his parents his dilemma and shared urgently how he couldn’t do it. He pleaded with them to call his teacher. But his parents, beaming with pride that their son would be the lead, said, “I’m sure you will be great. We are so proud of you.” He continued to plead for the next few days and finally resigned to the fact that he could not change anyone’s mind. He became silent.
On the night of the play, he was so nervous that he threw up several times. His teacher had to drag him on stage, and he had to receive his lines several times. He was humiliated and angry that no one had heard him.
Decades later, Alex is a leader who is greatly admired. He is seen as a high-potential and delivers incredible results through his team. His team feels he truly listens to them and considers their input before making decisions. He is a great facilitator at meetings – great at summarizing others’ thoughts and ensuring everyone is heard.
He is normally polite and collaborative, but there are times when Alex seems to “lose it” and starts screaming that the other person or group is not hearing what he has to say. He gets furious when someone interrupts another person or takes credit for someone else’s idea. When he received this feedback, he was devastated, and he said he felt like an impostor in his leadership position.
Alex and I worked together to uncover his long-held survival belief and the incident that formulated it. His mantra was “You will hear me!” His survival belief was “Always be heard when you have something important to say.” “Never let anyone discount someone when they need to be heard.”
Alex was shocked when his subconscious revealed the incident. He said, “You’ve got to be kidding! THAT was the source of my self-doubt and shaming behavior?”
Your childhood survival beliefs and their origin are usually hidden from you. Your subconscious doesn’t want them to be found out because your brain believes they are still keeping you safe. They did their job with great success – but unfortunately, they no longer fit the needs of your adult life.
You can see how Alex’s mantra and survival belief helped him build self-confidence by giving him the strength and confidence to be heard and respected. It gave him wonderful gifts of active listening and compassion. But later, it became his emotional trigger and a self-confidence killer.
Today, Alex is a senior executive, and he no longer “loses it” when he perceives he or someone else is being ignored.
From Awareness to Transformation
Every successful person has at least one subconscious mantra, survival belief, and origin story silently undermining their self-confidence. As I coached leaders, I developed and fine-tuned the process to silence my confidence killer and helped hundreds of other leaders do the same. I am no longer unfriendly, and people are shocked to learn that I created this perception years ago. Those who have used my process consciously avoid overusing their strengths and rarely get triggered into self-sabotaging behaviors. They have increased their self-confidence, and their influence. Most have been promoted. All have found more joy in their work and personal lives.
Attempts to build your self-confidence without uncovering your deeply held survival beliefs result in only temporary fixes. You will find yourself triggered and stuck in a cycle of shame. And if you have children, you will unintentionally pass on your survival beliefs to your children without even realizing it. Your subconscious believes that if your mantra kept you safe, then it must be equally effective for your children. Hopefully, however, your children have not experienced your same “life-threatening” scenarios, and your helpful mantra is causing them to be scanning for threats that may not even exist.
The key to long-lasting change is not just to manage behavior but to deeply rebuild and reframe the beliefs that help you build true self-confidence.
If you’d like to learn more about survival beliefs, self-sabotaging behaviors, and the first steps to uncovering your confidence-killer mantra, then attend Shatter Hidden Beliefs Sabotaging Your Self-Confidence. I hope to see you there!
