0:03
Hi, everyone, and welcome to today’s webinar, Stop Trying to Be Me, Live Your Own Life, hosted by HRDQ-U, and presented by Lou Russell.
0:13
My name is Sarah, and I will moderate today’s webinar. The webinar will last around one hour. If you have any questions or comments, please type them into the Questions box on your GoToWebinar control panel.
0:25
And you can access today’s handouts under the handouts drop-down on your control panel, as well.
0:31
And on this next slide here, we’ll talk about today, is sponsoring today’s webinar, is sponsored by HRDQstore. For over 45 years, HRDQ has provided research-based, off-the-shelf soft skills, training resources for classroom, virtual, and online training. From assessments and workshops to experiential hands-on games, HRDQ helps organizations improve performance, increase job satisfaction, and more. You can learn more at HRDQstore.com.
1:03
And now I’d like to welcome our presenter today, Lou Russell, founder and CEO of Russell, Martin and Associates. As an executive consultant, speaker, and author, Lou is passionate about growing companies by growing their people. Through speaking, training, and writing, Lou draws on 30 years of helping organizations achieve their full potential.
1:23
She inspires improvement in leadership, project management, and individual growth. Her upbeat style and humorous stories about on-the-ground experiences will give you the passion and tools to improve the bottom line.
1:36
You’ll be moving, laughing, participating, inspired, and challenged, and most importantly (to Lou) – you will learn. Thank you, Lou, for joining us today.
1:46
Thank you.
2:08
If you hit the Next button there on your screen, that should move your slides for you.
2:15
The red one.
2:17
Yeah. Do you see what that window says next?
2:20
It should be the drop-down on the very right hand corner there.
2:23
You should be able to move your screen your slides.
2:31
And while Lou is moving her slides chat and find that questions box, let us know where you’re coming from today. I, myself am in Pennsylvania.
2:40
Chiming in, and I have Lou in Indianapolis here. So, let us know, it’s a beautiful day here in PA, which is really, it’s really nice. It’s like the eighties today. It feels like summer.
2:50
It’s OK, tell me again. Yes. So if you just click back on your PowerPoint, you will be able to move your slides.
2:59
Just give that screen a click.
3:03
That’s not it.
3:08
If you just go back to your PowerPoint window for me, that’s what I’m looking for right now. What is the PowerPoint window looking? So just click on it.
3:17
Yep.
3:18
Just go OK, got it. Thank you.
3:23
Oops.
3:25
There you go. So now down at the bottom of your screen, at your display bar there, do you see where it says your PowerPoint? It’s little orange button.
3:32
And we have a need from Toronto, Canada, Susan, from Tallahassee. We have a lot of Susan’s on the line with us today.
3:43
Yep right there. If you click right there, go back to your PowerPoint.
3:48
This one, PowerPoint slideshow.
3:53
Over to the right.
3:54
one more to the right, OK.
3:59
There you go. Perfect.
4:01
Let’s see who else? We have another season coming in from Arizona.
4:04
Another season from the middle of Michigan. Susan is a popular name from a for us today. Another Susan? Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, and we have Theresa from Northern California. It’s a little overcast and semi semi warm there.
4:19
We have Rosi coming in from Charlotte, North Carolina, Laura from New Hampshire, AMITA from Maryland, Sandy from Salem, Oregon.
4:30
So many people, Michelle be coming in from Tallahassee. So let’s get this show on the road here. Thank you all for chatting in, and go ahead and take it away from me, Lou.
4:40
All right. Thank you.
4:42
This is me with curly hair. I have different sizes, different kinds, right? Thank you so much, everybody, for coming.
4:50
I appreciate everything you do, and I really very much appreciate HR DQ forever, and ever and ever.
4:57
I’m Lou Russell Martin, and it’s Russell Martin and Associates, and I just like to play, was growing people and growing decks and all kinds of things like that. So we can do, you know, full things. Now, one of the things I wanted to say to you, though, before I got going on, this, is, this is a really weird one.
5:17
I don’t know why I put it.
5:19
But it’s an interesting, and it’s about how nowadays, and maybe not even nowadays, 2, two, how can we? Well, I’m going to just click it, and you’ll see it.
5:33
this way.
5:33
OK, So, um, I titled this ‘Stop Trying To Be Me and Live Your Own Life’.
5:41
And what got into me about this is, I had some people that were working with me, and they were like very passive aggressive in trying to grab things from other people. And, you know, all this weird stuff. And I was like, let us going all these people, why are they being so mean to each other?
5:58
And, so, I started looking at a lady that’s very interesting, and I’m going to bring that up in a little bit, but, um, basically, people manipulate each other, right? This is, this is the crazy thing resist attempting to manipulate me. Stop trying to tell me things, that you’re manipulating for yourself.
6:20
And, so, this is kind of a weird thing, but it’s, it’s interesting, and I’ve seen it, and I want you, as we’re going through this, to maybe take a couple notes or something and see, oh, wait, this is it, this is what I remembered. You know, like, oh, that person did that to me, et cetera. So, keep that in the back of your head as well.
6:39
So, what I want to talk about, learn how to speak the truth and, or get rid of the person if they’re a jerk, so learn. How to speak the truth or remove the person.
6:49
If they’re, You know, A friend, it’s OK, but if they really are being a jerk and they’re blaming you and being played is a horrible thing, and we’ve all had it happen, and so resist attempting to manipulate me and look for people. And you won’t make, again, take a couple of notes here. There’s probably some people in there that are pretending to like you, but are messing with you, to manipulate you, so they get better, or they get more work or something like that. So in this webinar, you will learn how to turn away from people who are manipur manipulating you, but you have to see it.
7:27
Right, Or you have to expose it, or whatever. Right? It’s no one’s going to come up to you and say, I’m manipulating. you. Worked at all. So let me show you a couple more examples.
7:41
What is subtle manipulation? And I read, I’m going to talk about the lady that wrote all of this and it’s really interesting. I didn’t even though this even weren’t even happen.
7:51
A person tells others how to behave or brags about things that haven’t happened.
7:57
People who behave this way are usually stuck in a rut or unfulfilled. So, at the beginning, where you’re trying to manipulate a new friend or a new guy you don’t like, even try get rid of them.
8:11
People who behave this way are usually stuck in a rut or unfulfilled.
8:15
And these are the things that they do because of that, and notice where her fingers, it’s OK. Don’t anyone for a break out over here on the bottom.
8:24
Others feel uncomfortable when they have to work with this person. So I’d like you to just pause for a minute and think of a time when somebody that you knew well felt uncomfortable when you had to be around that person and you can’t really figure out what it is. It’s just just not work it. Right. And it gets escalated here in a little bit.
8:46
Also, the person may behave this way to cling to others as much as possible, like they’re trying to be in the cool area, you know, like, oh, we’re the good people, and then ended up. And they’re jumping up and down with other people, trying to jump, to get a better friend. It’s kinda creepy, really. But we all do it to some little extent.
9:07
People may break into conversations or rudely disturb, others conversation. So this would be them just being flat out, just telling people, come on, urine, it’s in a rut or whatever, right?
9:18
So subtle manipulation is usually not seen right away.
9:24
It stays with you for this person with awhile, and eventually you have to run for your life. It is my opinion. So that’s the idea of subtle manipulation.
9:35
And others could feel uncomfortable when they have to work with this kind of person.
9:40
Of course they could start sometimes if I had a person that was working with me that cling to everything you did abroad, I’m another piece of coffee, or what do you know what I mean? Like, all that kind of stuff. It was crazy, it was just, you know, just say, hiatt’s, OK.
9:54
The person that’s trying to be in charge of everyone else may break into conversations or rudely disturb, others kind of conversations to get away from the bad ones. Right, so there’s this whole dance, this whole kind of ugly game. that’s happening.
10:10
So if you have Yeah, let’s do this. So let’s talk about identifying a manipulator. How do we know?
10:18
when someone’s a manipulator because they’re pretty good at it? Right? That’s the thing. Manipulation tactics, and resistance, and this is really, I love the picture on the top right, of somebody holding that, the courts, and you, it’s like a puppet, right?
10:34
It’s manipulating people, really, slowly, really, not going bad, and then all of a sudden, you’re stuck.
10:43
So, manipulation is the act of controlling someone or something to gain an advantage often unfairly, or this honestly.
10:54
So, let me say it again. Manipulation is the act of controlling someone or something to gain an added advantage.
11:01
Often unfairly or dishonestly.
11:05
Can you, and don’t tell us, who will write down a little note for yourself.
11:09
The 1 or 2 people you, that you think do that to other people.
11:14
Stay out of the family if we can. Think about, I don’t want you to think of that back into the right. But people, you know, what would you think about that? That’d be interesting.
11:27
OK, now, manipulators, as on the bottom, you will see, you use various strategies and tactics to influence others, such as lying, not a good thing, right guilt, tripping, gaslighting, what you’re going to see in here, in a minute, and flattery.
11:41
So you can see the manipulation and the feelings of these, of how these people are trying to get into the other person’s head, and kind of be the puppet, as we see on the right-hand side.
11:54
Does anyone have any questions? What do you want?
11:57
You want to wait? or what should we do?
12:00
I don’t have any questions so far, but we’ll keep an eye on that if you have questions. Type them in as you go and we’ll be able to answer those for you. Thank you.
12:09
So, here’s what I was we were talking about before. This is called the gas lighters. And it’s a form of manipulation and psychological control. So, the guy down the bottom, clearly, is doing this. I don’t think you’d want to be near him anyway, no matter what, no matter what the problem was.
12:26
So, basically, there are some experiments to went on, and victims are deliberately fed false information. That leads them to question what they know to be true often about themselves, So you can actually sort of manipulate conversations with people. Hopefully you don’t. This is a bad thing to do, Right? And you feed them.
12:48
Oh, remember, I said, I’ve heard her, you know, walking down the hall.
12:52
Did you hear what she said about that one person, You know, that kind of stuff and it starts to be little, then it starts to get very deliberate, and sooner or later, it’s like the person that’s manipulating these people is just trying. It’s like a, like a game for them. It’s really crazy. So, I would also ask if you, if anyone in there anyone that has seen that says you have the you know, maybe raise your hand or something. Have you ever seen this? Have you ever been around someone that you felt this way? It takes while, right? Because at the beginning you feel like it’s all good?
13:27
No, That’s the thing It’s very strange.
13:30
Um and I like the the plow, the, the fire on the left-hand side as well. The bridges are coming down.
13:39
So people may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see that truth.
13:49
So again, what we’re seeing is, this person is being taught, by a friend, or by somebody, right? To change the way they live, to change even, maybe, their memories, and their perceptions.
14:04
And no.
14:07
Making, it seem like they’re the ones that have a sense sanity problem, right? And difficulties, not you.
14:13
And it could be just to two people.
14:15
And I’ve seen this happen to people, one person, slowly, but surely makes this other person feel terrible and is in charge, right. Totally in charge.
14:25
But nobody support, yeah. No more smoke.
14:31
So, surely, you can see at the top, you can see that. the note up here, to heat up arrow B, is, is basically one of the most thought person, that, people who’ve done the most research on this kind of thing.
14:45
On how people hurt other people. By the way, they’re manipulating others and they don’t know it.
14:53
So, one of the things, she’s in her books, and I’ll show you those at the, at the end. I have quite a few of them. Sit in pictures of them. It’s very interesting. It’s very interesting because you have to figure out, if there are And there are, if there are people that are definitely being manipulated, you, know, high or low.
15:13
It’s very important to have some ideas of what’s happening and looking to see what that’s really happening to the people.
15:21
So, busy bodies and, you know, that sounds to me like what people say when they’re old, you’re just the busy body or something like that. Right? Busy bodies are their own worst enemies as they continue to distract themselves in order to avoid confronting and being true to themselves.
15:38
So, instead of, In their head, they think, You know what, I’m going to make it harder and I’m going to confront other people, and that’s going to make me better than that, Right?
15:54
So they basically turn into a busy body, so they don’t have to worry that, maybe they are the busybody, so that’s one of the examples.
16:03
I love the right corner down below, you can see there, people are paying all that much attention.
16:11
OK, and then other things that could go with this, this Busybodies, kind of bit, the Sheets, such, I can’t say it, Shaheed, talks about busybodies Act the way they do, based on how they are motivated and how they grew up.
16:29
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure that’s true.
16:34
But it made me feel sad because I felt like, what if we screwed up other people?
16:40
Based on how they were motivated, this is coming up from your family, right, or the people that have always been around you, or whatever. And, sometimes there may be people that have had some bad experiences, and they continue to carry that baggage and they can’t let it go.
16:55
Maybe they have deep seated fears of something that happened, for example. You know, they had a really good drivers, but one night, they ended up, somebody hit them, and now they can’t even go outside anymore. This is the kind of thing that it happens in, this sort of play.
17:10
So, continue to curious baggage, or perhaps they have deep seated fears.
17:14
like, well, I’m gonna go 10 miles more, so I don’t have to go on that road, because that’s where my car got hit, and are failures they never dealt with or overcame.
17:23
So I think, I’d also ask you to make a little note for yourself, because I think we all have some of this.
17:29
We have things where we have set something up. It bothered us something, hurt us, something, bad, happened, something different happened.
17:38
But the bad experience need to be looked at and decided.
17:43
You have to decide how are you gonna go now, Not just fall in it with those deep seated fears and just stay there and kind of almost like you’re, you’re sick, now, you can’t, you know, be with other people. It’s really, really hard.
17:59
So there’s some other books I’ll show you about that as well.
18:04
And another thing about a busy body is concealing deep seated fears. So that’s sort of what I was just talking about in the first one, right?
18:12
We you may be afraid of something and you started it in third grade and you are not letting that go even though you seem like a normal person, Right. All the time, But, you’re not, you’re not healthy, you’re not, you know, things are your, it’s just eating you up.
18:26
Act the way they do, based on how they are motivated and how they grew up. We talked about that before. They may have had some bad experiences like your car, was talking about, that they continue to carry on baggage, or perhaps a deep seated fears are failures they never dealt with or overcame.
18:41
And I think a lot of people, if you, if you, I think everyone has 1 or 2 of these, it still hurts you, that comes up to you and it’s still hurt you. You have to do the work, right?
18:52
You have to do the work to figure out, is that really real look at, and, and maybe get a, you know, someone else with you, that you could talk about some things.
19:01
Because I, I think we don’t do that enough.
19:03
I think if we, if we have a car accident, let’s say, or whatever, and people, the car, the head, everybody was, OK. God bless us, you know, is all good, and we still, you might, I know you. I know lots of people that do this, they will go on that road anymore.
19:19
No, they take more and more and more little pieces of bad experiences, and they hide them for themselves, and it’s, it’s not, it’s actually, of course. you were sad. It was awful.
19:32
It’s natural, but you have to find your own way to climb back up.
19:41
So a busybodies concealing deep seated, fears, anxieties and guilt based on experiences he or she has been growing up with or at your schools or wherever you ended up being and that’s what we were just talking about. Their offer, hiding something there. And it may not be anything important but to the busy bodies.
20:00
They’re hiding something and it’s making them be a bad person kind of they can’t truly be honest themselves. They others. They occupy themselves as everyone. else’s business are always doing Everyone else.
20:11
Let me do everyone else’s work to make up for the fact that I couldn’t, you know, that I’m still hiding something. Now, you’re not going to every day of the week go up I’m still hiding something and making a big checkmark, You know, but we your body you, your brain has to think about this is this real Or why is it still with me?
20:31
And what am I going to do?
20:32
What’s the work I’m going to do to get myself into a happier and more, no helpful place, right?
20:40
So with everyone’s business and work to have an excuse for not based on their own issues and dealing with them effectively and if you’re in a classroom, everybody has something going on, right, of course.
20:52
And everyone probably also thinks everyone’s better.
20:57
So we have to get rid of those kind of noises. They’re just terrible.
21:02
So a couple of things that she wrote down that are about how you can fight back how you can try to get yourself back.
21:12
So one, Number one, you can fight back. Ground yourself and your own reality, and this is really good work.
21:19
Sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract fear. So if you are seeing fear, it’s, you can do any of these things. It does not very hard. I love that little picture of those little girls, they’re gorgeous.
21:36
Generalization.
21:38
Well, the people that we’ve been worried about here, the toxic people claim all the nastiness, then they’re the kind of people.
21:45
I wonder if you have some people in your house like this.
21:48
like, Oh that person, they’re horrible. They’re never gonna get better, we know we don’t like them, you know, that kind of thing, but this is the same thing or generalizing.
21:58
It surrounds them and they’d say, No, we’re the good, kind of in their head where the good people look at those bad people that’s called projection.
22:08
We all do it a little, we always look out the window, or we all look at the store, and we say, oh, thank goodness I’m not like them, right? But narcissist and psychopaths do that a lot.
22:19
So you might want to look that up if you plan too much with tech projection bit.
22:24
So projection is a defense mechanism.
22:26
So it doesn’t hurt you, right?
22:28
You’re afraid of being hurt, used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributed them to someone else.
22:36
So the scariest part about this art that we’re just talking about now, is this someone else because you could have a group of people and someone got pushed out, you know, you could think about that in a high school. But you can do that with adults for all the way to the top right?
22:53
So display’s responsibility, it’s not my job, somebody else did the negative behavior, it wasn’t me.
23:01
That kind of thing.
23:02
So what do you do?
23:04
Well, when people start talking to you about you that way, don’t reject your own sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person. Don’t try to change him or her.
23:15
It seems like you would owe, you don’t mean if you would, you do something like that, but that’s not their, their solid, they’re ready to get ya, don’t own any of that toxic person’s projections either. So don’t don’t do it. That way. Don’t do it either way.
23:30
Projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the potential consequence of getting met, being met with further exploitation.
23:41
So we have to project our unconscious and value system onto others.
23:47
Well, if we do want to get to know them, we don’t have to make them them, Right?
23:53
It’s a conversation, you have to be careful with that, as well.
23:57
Number three is a great two words malignant narcissist. Who would love to have that on their arm?
24:04
Um, there are always intellectual masterminds.
24:08
These people may not really be all that smart, and they actually could be pretty lazy, but they’re pretending they’re smarter than those other people that they’re making mad.
24:18
Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don’t acknowledge the nuances in your argument.
24:28
And I’d love to, she said, take into account the multiple perspectives you paid homage to Error by says, summing up this behavior.
24:37
Hold onto your truth and resists General Arise General wising statements by realizing that they are in fact, forms of black and white illogical thinking.
24:48
So in here, somebody gets you thinking that maybe really, I am intellectually lazy.
24:55
I’m sure maybe everyone thinks I’m intellectual, intellectually lazy, and then pop right back down.
25:02
This is the thing shut that off, go to hold onto your truth, resist generalizing statements by realizing that they are, in fact, forms of black and white illogical thinking.
25:14
I like that, I look at that sentence right there.
25:18
Number four, moving the Goalposts abuse of narcissists and social sociopath employ a logical fallacy known as moving the goalposts, which is hard to say, in order to ensure that they have every reason to be satisfied with you.
25:34
So they’re building all these little goalpost psychologically, so that you can they can pull them out and take you down.
25:41
This is when, even after you’ve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet the request, they set up something else to do an expectation and demand more proof.
25:53
So those people, those narcissists and sociopath, are just playing a game. Making the other people really upset.
26:02
So don’t play the game, validate and approve of yourself. Think about yourself, your good allgood don’t worry about the crazy.
26:08
People know that you are enough, and you don’t have to be made to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.
26:15
That’s great.
26:17
It’s not easy. Right? It’s not easy.
26:20
So, you’d think we’d get rid of name, calling by now.
26:25
School, just it had said is, I thought this line was really good.
26:30
Just because you’ve been dealing with this one since you encountered your first playground bully doesn’t make it any less disruptive. It’s still disruptive. Anything you say any back, you know, back talk or anything like that, and apparently it continues all the way up to the presidential politics.
26:47
I didn’t put that in there, but yeah, that makes sense, just don’t tolerate it just and you don’t have to yell. You don’t have to punch anyone. You don’t do any of those things.
26:55
You just make it important to end that interaction insist the name, calling, communicate, you will not tolerate it, and I love that, I think that’s nice and Sassoon, don’t internalize it, dumps, gets sucked into maybe I am like that, you know, realize it.
27:12
They are resorting to name calling, or whatever, because they’re deficient in higher level methods. I would say, don’t go up and say that to them.
27:20
I probably want to workout and smear campaigns. You know, even in little high schools, you could have smear campaigns, right?
27:30
When toxic types can’t control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you.
27:37
They play the martyr while you’re labeled the toxic one.
27:40
A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name. Now, notice in this, and this one’s kind of interesting.
27:48
On the top, in the middle, the toxic one, sort of they’re, At first, it seems like you’re helping them, And at the end, you’re actually slandering them, and it’s the same person. So, have to watch out for that.
28:01
Sometimes true evil geniuses will even divide and conquer getting to people of groups against each other. Don’t let them succeed.
28:09
That doesn’t help anybody document any form of harassment, urbi, it says that, as well, and make sure not to rise to the bait, not to rise to the bait. Just kinda like let it go.
28:21
Let the person’s problem is provoke you into behaving in just the sort of negative ways Bill falsely, attribute to you. Gotta get somebody, it can’t be them.
28:31
So these are just ways and I think as you’re as we’re looking at them, got a couple more to go, but I really, you can see, you can look out and see the things that are happening to all of us in all of these ways. 1 through 6. Let’s go to seven.
28:47
So, simple awareness.
28:50
This phenomenon is the first step to counter.
28:52
So this is called devaluation, beware.
28:56
This could be for me or you are all of us beware when a colleague seems to love you.
29:03
While aggressively denigrating the last person who held your position.
29:07
All right, so now that that person left the building, this one says they love you, there’s a lot of NARA statistic stuff that’s coming out of some of this. The words they’re doing here, The abuses do this all the time.
29:20
The value their axes to their new partners and eventually the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the other one, had it before. But this dynamic can happen in the professional realm, as well as a personal one.
29:34
So you could be, with a best friend and your best friend disappears, why is that? What’s happening?
29:40
I’m narcissistic.
29:41
Abusers are trying to get people to mix all up and get unhappy.
29:46
That’s a little tricky, too.
29:49
Gaslighting, which is what we were talking about a little bit earlier. It’s such a weird, weird, weird name.
29:57
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactics that can be described by a person in different variations of three words.
30:04
So whatever that person did that, you said, hey, you can’t do that.
30:07
They’re going to say 1, 2, or three. That didn’t happen.
30:12
You imagined it, are you crazy?
30:15
That’s all you use. Just those three things.
30:17
So no matter what kind of conversation, you’re going to have an gaslighting, it’s going to be circling around those one of those. Oh, no, that didn’t happen. And pretty soon, you’re so used to hearing it all the time.
30:31
You start to go on the side of whatever they’re talking about. So gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious, manipulative tactics out there, because it really does. You don’t know what’s going on.
30:42
Was that a joke? Was that not a joke, it distorts and erodes your sense of reality? Now, you don’t know if your friends like you or not. It could disable the from feeling justified.
30:52
And you could see, could have seen some abuse or something, but no, no, you don’t want to talk about it, right, Because Gaslighting, it would, everyone would come down on you.
31:01
So I had never heard very much about this before. I thought it was a very strange thing.
31:07
But it certainly becomes, as, as we hear different people getting upset on the news, or whatever, all these places, right, as certainly does, seem like.
31:17
Whoo!
31:18
We’re often going after people to get them to feel selfish or hopeless or careless, so that we can make them into something else.
31:27
And that’s a really horrible thing. You don’t want to do that.
31:31
So nine, look at how sad this kid is, Didn’t like this picture, but I put it in there anyway. Be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else to potentially translate into the way they will treat you in the future.
31:45
And of course, we’ve all heard about things like when kids were not cared for, well, you know, there’ll be they become bullies and and things like that. I think it’s up to all of us and up to all of our children to make sure that everyone’s in.
31:59
They all have an opinion, they don’t have the same opinion.
32:02
They don’t have to necessarily be the same as everything else, but you definitely need to be all in, um, letting people out is just a horrible way, making sure that they can play, it’s just a horrible thing to do.
32:19
So here’s the gaslighting, this is called, and it’s also called sub …, Subtle. Myth Manipulation boy, that’s a hard one.
32:29
This is the lady that I was talking to you about Shahidi RB, she has read books here but there’s zillions of them. They’re really, really good.
32:39
I just found them, you know, when we started working on this, be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will treat you in the future.
32:52
So it’s very interesting and I recommend I’ve, I’ve already gotten two of them.
32:57
It’s just very interesting to see how, how to, as she would say, reclaim your power from narcissus and other manipulators.
33:07
So work on the power side, right, not on trying to get rid of all the bad people that are making you crazy.
33:14
Here’s 2 to 2 totally different views from the same submission, basically.
33:20
But, yeah, take a look at these books. I really thought those these books were were pretty awesome.
33:26
So be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will treat you in the future.
33:38
I don’t think everyone wanted to say, I don’t think we, she wasn’t really ready to heat. It, would say, yes, there’s the books, talk about that.
33:45
But, um, but you don’t know, You know, you think, well, maybe people will get out of it. Maybe they’ll leave you alone.
33:51
But, in general, I think people, the same people get kind of like bully, I believe.
33:58
Does anyone have any questions or thoughts before we get on a little bit?
34:04
Yeah, so if you have any questions, type those into the questions box, and we had a question come through earlier from Mary Ellen, who would like to know, is there a fine line between subtle manipulation and being on the spectrum?
34:18
Oh, that’s interesting.
34:19
Um, I’m not an expert on that, but I would say, um, they’re going to be different behaviors, clearly write clearly different behaviors.
34:29
I didn’t get any information about people that were autistic or Or something that would?
34:38
Make it harder for them to be with other people And I’m sure that that would come into this as well if other people are going, you know, We’re gaslighting or you know, what B We want people to speak out Well, maybe that person can’t speak out, right, things like that.
34:57
Yeah, that’s interesting And I’m sure that’s in there somewhere because she That’s a pretty big book And, you know, what are the the potential dangers of, you know, constantly comparing yourself to others?
35:11
Oh, it’s horrible, it’s absolutely horrible. And what happens in this in as you’ll see, and if you want to look at the books, it’s interesting, because once they come to you, then you would think, well, those people were so mean to me when I was in high school. You know, I’ll never feel that way again.
35:30
But what really happens is it’s more likely that you’ll try to be them. So you’re getting more bad people in a way, you know, more mean people in a way.
35:40
It’s very interesting.
35:43
And this next question we have here is from Sandy, who would like to know? So, what’s the best way to handle this? when you have a co-worker who has these attributes and throws you under the bus?
35:57
I, my personal, my personal view would be to keep it very short and specific and walk away.
36:08
If you get emotional in that situation, right in this kind of thing, as soon as you get emotionally, you lose your power.
36:16
So you want to be able to be ready and waiting to be able to two reasons resort to that.
36:25
Also, sometimes there they’re lying to, right? So and then you go, Oh, you’re lying.
36:31
Well, now the whole thing’s down the track again, Right? Nobody’s going to get anything out of that.
36:36
Thank you.
36:38
And we have another question here from Kayleigh, who would like to know if you have any tips for us to develop self-awareness and recognize our own unique qualities and strengths?
36:50
Oh, I love that.
36:51
I think my favorites, for this, this isn’t the, anyway, I really liked her target training international workshops, and they’re in their, their content, too.
37:06
And they do things like desk and motivators and, you know, that kind of stuff.
37:11
And so when you have those, sort of, What are, we, what would even call them, but anyway, when you’re using those, those ideas and those things, those different profiles as well, it’s not coming out of my mouth.
37:24
Then I can look with you at my own self and say, oh, I say this, and it’s great. It’s bad, too, because you go, Oh, wow, I say that, but, I love the profiles, because, when you do profiles, and there’s all kinds of dry, but, we’d like to TTI ones.
37:45
Um, but, it’s, it’s, it’s totally different When you open it up, and it’s about you.
37:51
And you go, oh, that’s not who I thought I was. Isn’t that interesting?
37:55
So, that’s where that growth comes from. It’s very interesting, yeah, I love that.
38:01
Thank you, Thank you.
38:02
This next question is from Ned who would like to know, should you address these issues as soon as they begin? Or is it better to wait awhile before addressing them?
38:12
Well, I think you have to. I, I’d say, in general, I would say, I would get to it as fast as I could. So it doesn’t lagaan.
38:21
But there could be different, certain researchers. You know, situations for that as well. There could be, you know, one of the things is, you just never know what the other person is thinking, right?
38:31
So you could hurt someone very, you know, someone could make a comment.
38:36
You know, I don’t like the way that you, you know, whatever work with me or something.
38:41
And then everything goes crazy and everyone start taking everyone else in there. You know it all goes berserk.
38:47
I think you have to be very short and very clear about what you want.
38:55
Not go on with what you are going to tell everyone this other guy is doing.
39:01
All right, What’s the small piece that’s really meaningful to me, and then you use that.
39:08
And this next question here is coming from Alex, who asks. You know, do you have any tips for building confidence and overcoming self doubt.
39:19
Oh, that’s so good. Yeah. You know the only way to do that is to just keep doing it.
39:28
Keep walking up that road Just keep going Even if you feel like I could never do that, OK, We’ll just do this one thing.
39:37
Do that for a week and then do this one thing, right?
39:40
And sooner or later, you’ll look at yourself, and you go, Wait, I’ve got something here. This is great.
39:46
Know, even if you’re very shy or you don’t think you have the ability to get these things done, you do have it, you just have to take it in smaller pieces.
39:56
Get in there again, and, and it’s, It’s perfect. It’s wonderful. So, I think that, thank you for that question. I think that’s awesome.
40:06
And Audrey would like to know if you could talk a little bit more about the, you know, why you titled, the webinar. Stop trying to, to be me.
40:14
Well, oh, gosh, Thank you for asking.
40:19
Oh, I had a person that was working with me, and, um, it all happened in, within When crazy, and we’re not friends anymore, Also, so I can tell you the end of the story, but, she took over the whole classroom, and then, she started, like teaching, and she was the admin, you know what I mean? Like, she had no right to do any of that.
40:45
Beyond all that, she was a very close friend of mine, A very, very close friend of mine, and, and we’re going to have all of you are gonna go, what?
40:54
I have not spoken to her since, so. Can you talk a little bit about this question here, is coming from Mike, who would like to now know, how does, you know if you could talk a little bit about comparing yourself to others, and how that impacts your mental and emotional health.
41:13
Yeah, that I think you have to be really, really careful about that.
41:16
If you’re comparing to everyone compared to others a little bit, and everyone, because you want to, you know, you want to be prettier, taller, or whatever we’re going to be, right, but, whatever.
41:27
But, we also know that people are people. And there’s many parts to us in our own self.
41:33
So, there’s plenty for everybody.
41:36
I do think that if all you think about is, this person is so much better than me, that’s not helpful. Right. That’s not helpful.
41:46
So, back it off to What’s one thing I could do, you know, what’s one thing I could do, what’s one thing I could say to that person?
41:55
You know, it’s like a build a little build them, a big bill end up eventual.
42:01
So, and the more that you can actually talk with other people, hopefully, invited, You know, if you could talk to people and share this with 2 or 3 people that you know pretty well. This would be fabulous to sit and think about these things.
42:18
And it would have a tighter group and you would get much better work, right, Of course.
42:24
So, yeah, I think there’s ways to do that.
42:28
Great.
42:28
And this next question here from Shannon says, can you provide an example on how one can develop self-awareness and gain a better understanding of their strengths and their weaknesses? This kinda plays back, I think, to those personality tests that you were right. Yeah, right, exactly. So, that’s, yeah, that’s a nice thing against, About profiles and there are, there are many different kinds, right? You probably seen plenty of them. I use Target, Training International.
42:57
And what is interesting to me was, when I first did it, um, if I basically did a profile, and each, there were three parts to it, that’s not really important. This particular one was a 3 part 1.
43:12
And when I went through it, it was, like, oh, now, I know, because you find, all of a sudden, your eyes are looking.
43:21
And you’re saying, That’s why I always get crazy about that, No, it just pops up with you, and you go, oh, I didn’t.
43:29
I haven’t been I personally have been trying not to see that, right, so People think they’re doing the profiles, but what they’re really doing is trying not to see the problem.
43:42
When you do these searches really good plenty when you do them all the time.
43:46
It doesn’t make it, it’s bad, but, but yeah, and in a lot of people will say, Oh, you know this, this surveys no good, I mean, it’s, Oh, it’s no, it’s nothing like that.
43:55
You know, I know there’s, there’s no way of mind is like this.
43:58
Well, that’s the one that really is for, you know what I mean?
44:01
If they’re fighting for that, then you’re, you know, in your head. Yeah, you’re going to have to take some time to work that out.
44:11
And, Rebecca, we’d like to know, based on your experience, could you talk more about how long or if ever, it typically takes on average when engaging with others to see the negative interactions with people like this?
44:28
Aye.
44:29
Yeah. That’s interesting.
44:30
I think I think what I would do at first, again, with the with the Target training International stuff, we were able to you know, we have profiles so the people through their little profile and then it comes back and tells them that. It tells them what you’re just asking for. Kodak: boom, boom, boom, here you are, and then they go. yes or no, right. I mean, they may get really mad, or they may really like it, or they may learn, which is the best part, all right?
44:55
But there’s other There’s less a profile set that do that.
44:59
And I think that’s good because what’s happening is you are looking at yourself, And you don’t have any way to figure out, is this real? Is this not real? Am I right? Am I left? You know, what is it?
45:15
Then?
45:15
In that case, I think if that’s where you want to start, maybe you just start thinking about watching your own behavior and watch the feeling. I always say the feeling in my chest watched my feeling.
45:29
That’s something something is not right, as a little kids would say something is done, right, right?
45:35
So, to get started, you might just notice, start noticing, just for yourself, why do I feel anxious right now?
45:43
What just happened, Then work it out. Like, really, what did happen? It was, OK, you know what I mean? But you have to do that all for yourself. And, I would start that.
45:53
I mean, I would, I would start with being alone doing that, not asking other people.
45:58
Once you get a loan and you’re reading all that information, and feeling it, not just reading it, but feeling it, eating it up, you know.
46:08
Um, but if, you know, if they don’t, if they don’t do the work, it won’t get better. This is just another really effective way to talk to yourself and get where you want to be.
46:21
So, whatever it is, you still have to do the work.
46:25
And the final question for today is coming from Allie, who would like to know if you could talk a little bit more about societal pressure and the need to conform to someone else’s mold.
46:37
Ah. I’m not a therapist to did you know that? I’m a programmer. That’s even worse anyway.
46:51
Yeah. I think, I think now, there’s so much we’re willing, it’s always been this way, I am making, Making Noises, I think, You know, we had coven, and no one could be outside. And then, something else comes and that’s something else goes inward, and these things happen, right? They’re all coming and whatever.
47:11
Whatever, and you are the only person, in your very own self, that you can help, by watching you, watch you, watch other people if you want, but watch you. Watch how your body changes. Watch how you feel.
47:29
Watch how a person work walks in the room.
47:33
And you just clam up like, Oh, no, and you don’t even know who they are, and you don’t even know what’s happening.
47:38
That’s still, that’s what I mean. Those are the things, look for those.
47:42
What is your body trying to tell you?
47:44
What are the What does your body coming back and saying, get out, let’s get out of this room or something like that, right?
47:50
I think that we don’t watch enough of ourselves. We’re great at watching other people that. We love that. We love to make fun of people, other people, but, but we forget.
48:06
I think we forget to come, no, sit down and go, why do I feel weird right now, Why do I feel sad?
48:15
Why do I feel tired? Why? What did I say that?
48:19
clip this, you know, because we’re building this, this play, we’re the ones that are figuring out what we’re going to do, so.
48:26
And, it’s hard because it’s, so, it seems so much easier to kinda like catch somebody else and pretend you’re with them, right? That’s not going to really get you very far.
48:38
Can you say that question one more time to it’s been just in case, I didn’t say the right thing?
48:43
Yes, It was kind of talking about the societal pressure and the need to conform to someone else’s mold.
48:50
Yeah, yeah. Well, of course that we all have to conform. Right? We all have to perform no matter where we are.
48:59
But if we are, you know, we have, you know, I would say, Oh, good.
49:05
We have three children, OK, that’s good, OK, So that, we don’t have enough money for three children, now. What are we going to do, you know, something like that?
49:14
And so there’s so many things that you can worry about and, and think about.
49:20
Unfortunately, looking at other people and saying, oh, we’re so much better than them, You know, at least we’re not like them, and all of that is so negative and so bad for you, so bad for you.
49:34
So, look at others, and look at him, Look at them. Like, someone’s having some hand, you know, something crazy.
49:44
Look at two different people. Just see like how they change. And then think about yourself. Is that the way I want to be? Is that the way I want my children to be?
49:52
Do I like that part? Do I not like that part? If I don’t like the part why? What’s going on? You know? So you can. I really think you need to have that quiet time.
50:02
It doesn’t have to be long, you know, maybe right before we go to bed, or break it up or whatever.
50:07
Or maybe even just five minutes a day to sit down and think about, What is my body trying to tell me right now?
50:15
What?
50:15
know, What am I? what should I be doing, What, what ever, My body knows, why don’t I know.
50:22
So, I would say that, you know, other than that, the other thing was, be nice to each other.
50:27
Everybody just start on nice, If we all start on nice, I think, things will be better, and, in general, that does happen.
50:37
And, we did have one more question come through, actually, before we close out the Q and A portion, of today’s session. And the question is, As a new employee, how do you navigate through the manipulation and hidden aggression if it appears to be common in the workplace? There is happening, is we own a bar. My husband and I are doing this, all these kids are doing this all the time, and then he did this, he did that. I’m like, you guys just don’t get a pizza.
51:09
It’s so crazy.
51:11
I don’t know, I think, you know, again, if there’s any way that you can act this, being good for other people and yourself, that’s the best. You know, the minute you’re trying to get better than someone, or you’re trying to get away from someone, or your car is bigger than that other person’s car, You know, the whole, that’s all, that’s.
51:30
just try to be with people, and you’ll learn from each other.
51:34
It’s just, it’s just fabulous, then, you know, or just go walk around with a little baby for a little bit, though.
51:43
So, yeah, I really, I do think that it, this whole, there’s no bad reason to have, just be nice to each other. There’s no reason not to.
51:54
Alright, there’s tons of reasons, too.
51:57
So I think that’s, that’s that that’s the secret.
52:01
And then I brag about it afterwards. That’s stupid. people. don’t like that either.
52:07
Well, thank you, Lou. That concludes all of the questions that we had for today. So some great questions from the audience.
52:15
Thank you.
52:17
Yes, and that will bring us here, then, to the end of our session today. Thank you so much, Lou, for your time today and for sharing such great information with us.
52:27
Thank you so much, everybody. You can see my telephone numbers on the slide, and also Lou@russellmartin.com, you can send me a note. I’d love to hear from you.
52:36
Great. And yes, and make sure that you join me next week for Discover Your Unique Work-life Balance. Same day, same time, same place. And also make sure that you check out our new webinar, the HRDQU In-Review Podcast. I am your host, Sarah, where we talk with our presenters from our webinars, and just give a little bit more conversation a little bit more chatty. And take a little bit of a further look into the content that we, that we learned over here at our webinar platform. So, with that, I will let you all go for the rest of your day. Thank you so much for participating in today’s webinar and happy training.
53:14
Thanks, everyone.