Barrier 1: We Have Limiting Beliefs About Conflict
If you’ve ever gone hiking on official trails, you’ll notice that the path everyone is supposed to walk on is packed and cleared, making it easier to follow. By contrast, paths that people don’t normally walk through are overgrown with vegetation and are hard to navigate. Similarly, we’ve all developed ways of thinking about conflict that are ingrained in us.
This means that every time we face conflict or difficult behaviors, we have a preset way of viewing the situation and responding to it that’s normal to us. In current, popular vernacular, people refer to these as limiting beliefs or mindsets.
How can you fix it?
As a therapist, I’m a little biased in saying that therapy can really help a great deal here. But outside of a longer discussion, the fastest way to remedy these limiting beliefs is to identify a positive mindset and then identify a behavior that reinforces that mindset so you can practice it daily.
For example, conflict might be hard for you because you automatically view the other person or their behavior as the main problem. One possible reframe is to shift that view slightly to “the other person isn’t the problem; the problem is the problem here.” That may sound unnecessarily complicated, but that might mean instead of viewing a late employee as a nuisance, it’s allying with the employee to solve the lateness problem, not fixing them as a human being.
Barrier 2: Our Biases Prevent Us from Seeing Things Objectively
Whether you realize it or not, you have unconscious biases that prevent you from seeing almost every situation clearly. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it’s merely how our brains function. It’s a shortcut our brains make so we can more easily make sense of the world around us.
For example, Confirmation Bias is the tendency to only accept information that confirms pre-existing beliefs. That could look like you believing someone is lazy, so you only notice times when they aren’t working hard.
And Fundamental Attribution Error is the tendency to explain the behavior of others as a result of personality defects and downplaying situational influences. That could look like assuming a chronically late employee is lazy and does not take into account increased traffic or road construction.
How can you fix it?
Think of a recent conflict and ask yourself,
- What did I assume and why?
- What were some aspects of this situation I may have overlooked?
- Were my assumptions based on my own personal experiences or what others have told me?
Barrier 3: We Haven’t Learned to Control Our Emotions
When placed in stressful situations, everyone reverts to fight, flight, or freeze. And sometimes, the perceived threat can be strong emotions – either in ourselves or the other person. The key is to learn how you exhibit your emotions so you can control yourself and learn how to identify what emotion is driving someone’s behavior.
Any emotion (even the traditionally positive ones) can potentially lead to thinking errors in high-stress situations. For example,
Joy: You feel so happy that the other person seemingly agrees with you and didn’t argue with you, that you overlook other behaviors that indicate they may not be truthful or they’re holding something back.
Anger: You feel so angry that the other person disagrees with you that you forget your preparation and game plan and get into a power struggle with them.
How can you fix it?
This involves a tremendous amount of self-reflection. Start by asking yourself these questions:
- What emotions do you feel when stressed?
- What do you need to be calm and grounded going into the conversation?
- What will help you remain centered and grounded in the middle of the conversation if your emotions start bubbling up?
- How could strong emotions look in other people? (i.e., yelling, screaming, crying, avoiding the topic, etc.)
Mastery Takes Time
As adults, we often assume we are either naturally good at or will never be good at certain skills. Many adults who aren’t singing regularly assume that they will never be good because they aren’t already good at singing. They shy away from it and don’t pursue it any further. In reality, many adults could be great at skills like singing with one thing – practice.
Even professionals spend an incredible amount of time practicing for important events. A college athlete could spend close to 30 hours a week preparing for a one-hour game. Professional orchestra musicians spend nearly 40-50 hours a week preparing for 6 hours’ worth of concert time.
As you prepare and plan for your next difficult conversation, how much time are you spending preparing? How much time are you devoting to intentional practice? I promise you that the time spent practicing will not be wasted. By addressing your limiting beliefs, unconscious biases, and emotions, you’re increasing your ability to lead these conversations productively and confidently.
